If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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