a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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