I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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