I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you had me at cake vodka
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
