so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
