you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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