the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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