I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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