she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
