theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
