the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
