I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
