Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
