got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
