come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
