Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
