it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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