No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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