i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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