I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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