Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
