A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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