there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
