when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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