Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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