so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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