Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I love having hate sex.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
