Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
