I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
