My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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