The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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