Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
