I showed him my bush... on skype.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A bitchslap is in order.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
