My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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