That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
