she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
