tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
