There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
