The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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