fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
