Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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