Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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