Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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