I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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