Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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