I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
