can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
