HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
