I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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