Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
