I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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