I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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