i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
