well I can't set my house on fire every night
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
