I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
