i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
