who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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