She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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