I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
