I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
